Uncensored with Alex Zarnoski: Wet Lashes

By Alex Zarnoski | @ajazz16 | Ajazz Tech

Image Credit: Background to the artist. All other layers to Alex Zarnoski.

Here's the first look into my world of uncomfortable observations in modern society. I don't promise tears. I don't promise personal revelations. I promise that some of these stories will have you pinching yourself at the mundane and absolutely ridiculous situations that have scooped my brain into a blender at maximum speed. The first is a tale about a family with bad covert tactics and the second about an awkward run-in dealing with condoms.

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The Pants Who Knew Too Little

First off, I would like to say sorry to all of the pants in the world. You could be occupying something else, but you're not. You will forever remain plastered below our torsos like the pants you were meant to be. After all, you are the reason we have the phrase "below the belt". If you've ever felt like you've been hanging on that rack for far too long, don't worry. There's a smelly asshole and a pair of hairy legs coming your way any second now.

There she is (a mother and her child to be precise). Take a few seconds to picture a cart full of junk. Now picture a more than cooperative child and another child of whom, unbeknownst to him or her is about to become a victim of conditioning. One child will witness theft and be conditioned into thinking it's okay to steal, and the other will be forced to commit the crime.

I suppose by now you are feeling sorry for this family. I thought I felt similarly until I realized they must do this all the time. It's really a brilliant system except for one small mistake.
This unfortunate situation happened on my trip to an undisclosed department store. Nature called for a quick trip to the loo. So I walked in to do my business.

Slight Pause: Does this only happen to me?

It never fails. Almost every time I use a bathroom in a public space, I end up walking in at the exact moment someone else is taking a you-know-what. Nine out of ten times in Borders (*sniff*), it happened. My speculation is that bookstores are super calm and comfortable places for people to take care of their "business". The chances are much lower in a heavily traveled department store.

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Someone else was in there with me and they were struggling with something mean. It didn't last long because they were out before I had mended my situation and they didn't even flush. Gross. The last thing I could hear was something being dropped into the garbage directly behind me. This wasn't an employee. It wasn't even a dad shopping for few things for the family. It was a short person...someone who clearly wasn't potty trained. Short people can make you laugh sometimes.

I was curious. Something didn't add up. There was no smell. The water in the toilet wasn't rippling. The faucet bowl didn't snap-crackle the way it usually does. The garbage would tell a tale that only the garbage can. It was filled with freshly ripped clothing tags. It all made sense.

Before entering the bathroom I had observed the mother waiting nervously beside her junk-cart and her other child. She wasn't going to buy all that crap. This made her all the more brilliant. Of course, like I said, except for one small mistake: She failed to teach her child how to properly dispose of clothing tags.

So there I am, half relieved and half angry, standing between the bathroom and the family that may or may not have had the means to pay for those pants. If I blew the whistle, I could face being roped into something bigger than I had expected. I didn't have the time for court dates or even a face-to-face with the authorities. I was met with the morality of being raised better than that. "Do a good turn daily" had once been my slogan and I seriously considered its true meaning. Do I allow these children to become as crooked as their mother or do I allow them to acquire clothing in the only way they know how because of their monetary circumstances? 

The angry little person inside me said, "teach them a lesson," but I knew that wasn't the humane thing to do. The world has a funny way of working things out and I left that family under the supervision of molecular inevitability.

Nobody Does IT But You

Let's remain inside this department store, at least in our minds. You know they sell everything. You've at least once run into a friend or acquaintance buying something for their home or the usual mountain of groceries. Have you ever run into an acquaintance trying to buy condoms? 

It's the best!

Not only was this unnamed couple buying condoms, they were buying the value pack of condoms. For those who don't know, the value pack saves you money (in more than a few ways) compared to the standard pack, which tries to rip you off. Of course, you'd have to be getting laid a lot if you were to buy a value pack or born of a very thrifty nature to have the sense to save a few bucks.

Here's how I see this buying condoms thing. You can do it online (heh). But that could take a few days, so that's out. You could go to a Quick Mart. No, they overcharge for something that's supposed to happen for free anyway. Or you could get some light shopping done and kill two birds with one stone. The kicker is if you don't have any shopping to do, you'll need to strategize. The people I bumped into seemed to be semi-good at hiding what seemed to be a quick trip to the store to save-money-over-time-to-do-something-natural-that-should-happen-for-free.

In their hands and nestled against their chests was an array of inexpensive products. One of them carelessly held a box of crackers and the other was doing what they thought was a smart thing. That person placed an item on top of the large value pack of condoms and was football-carrying them like a baby. I pretended that I hadn't noticed their "technique" to avoid an awkward conversation.

But seriously, it takes an awful lot of work (and money) to hide a perfectly natural act. So based on this experience I give to you the guide to:

Successfully Acquiring Condoms in a Discreet and Thrifty Manner

1. Go big or go broke (there's no shame in having too many)
2. Choose the line without the old bat (old ladies tend to give the stink eye)
3. Bring cash (you don't want the cashier holding your condoms longer than he/she needs to) 
4. Give your partner a high five when exiting the store (encouraging a successful mission should be met with future successful missions)

Don't bullshit a bullshitter. You can almost always tell when someone you know is trying to hide something. Do it right the first time. Then, simply do it

The Wrap Up

So that's the first look into my world of uncomfortable observations in modern society. I doubt you cried. I doubt you had a revelation of some kind. Was I supposed to blow the whistle on that family? Who knows? Was I supposed to make fun of the couple I bumped into? Probably.

Here's my life lesson: If you plan on shopping in a department store make sure you can afford the items inside. And when it comes to having sex, you should think about whether or not you can afford to have children. 

Written By: Alex Zarnoski