The Pants Who Knew Too Little
There she is (a mother and her child to be precise). Take a few seconds to picture a cart full of junk. Now picture a more than cooperative child and another child of whom, unbeknownst to him or her is about to become a victim of conditioning. One child will witness theft and be conditioned into thinking it's okay to steal, and the other will be forced to commit the crime.
I suppose by now you are feeling sorry for this family. I thought I felt similarly until I realized they must do this all the time. It's really a brilliant system except for one small mistake.
This unfortunate situation happened on my trip to an undisclosed department store. Nature called for a quick trip to the loo. So I walked in to do my business.
Slight Pause: Does this only happen to me?
I was curious. Something didn't add up. There was no smell. The water in the toilet wasn't rippling. The faucet bowl didn't snap-crackle the way it usually does. The garbage would tell a tale that only the garbage can. It was filled with freshly ripped clothing tags. It all made sense.
So there I am, half relieved and half angry, standing between the bathroom and the family that may or may not have had the means to pay for those pants. If I blew the whistle, I could face being roped into something bigger than I had expected. I didn't have the time for court dates or even a face-to-face with the authorities. I was met with the morality of being raised better than that. "Do a good turn daily" had once been my slogan and I seriously considered its true meaning. Do I allow these children to become as crooked as their mother or do I allow them to acquire clothing in the only way they know how because of their monetary circumstances?
Nobody Does IT But You
It's the best!
In their hands and nestled against their chests was an array of inexpensive products. One of them carelessly held a box of crackers and the other was doing what they thought was a smart thing. That person placed an item on top of the large value pack of condoms and was football-carrying them like a baby. I pretended that I hadn't noticed their "technique" to avoid an awkward conversation.
But seriously, it takes an awful lot of work (and money) to hide a perfectly natural act. So based on this experience I give to you the guide to:
Successfully Acquiring Condoms in a Discreet and Thrifty Manner
- Go big or go broke (there's no shame in having too many)
- Choose the line without the old bat (old ladies tend to give the stink eye)
- Bring cash (you don't want the cashier holding your condoms longer than he/she needs to)
- Give your partner a high five when exiting the store (encouraging a successful mission should be met with future successful missions)
Don't bullshit a bullshitter. You can almost always tell when someone you know is trying to hide something. Do it right the first time. Then, simply do it
The Wrap Up
Here's my life lesson: If you plan on shopping in a department store make sure you can afford the items inside. And when it comes to having sex, you should think about whether or not you can afford to have children.
Written By: Alex Zarnoski