What if: Dancing With the Stars didn't Exist

Written by: Charles McHale

Get ready. Get set. Go.. change the channel now!! Approximately 8 years and on it's 16th season, Dancing With the Stars is still up and going strong. 16 goddamn seasons of this filth. 16 goddamn seasons!! Many people would disagree with me, since it's such a popular program. But really, when it comes down to it, it's just another show on television for network to glorify celebrities, wash ups at that. So what would the world be like without DWS? Well, let's get into why it's as bad as I say it is first.

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The Celebrities

Yes, I already mentioned that the celebrities are wash ups, and that they're glorified. But that's a big money maker with America today. I'm guilty myself, I am biased to my favorite directors and actors and whatnot, but I really don't care what they're life is outside of their job. The only time I would actually care is if suddenly a director or actor I liked became friends with me, which probably won't happen anytime soon. But the infatuation with celebrities is everywhere and it grows and it just gets worse. People Magazine, Entertainment Weekly, Talk Soup etc.. Some of this media is based around a lot of people's lives and that is, I feel, the fate of humanity, so to speak. Honestly though, if I was to be a mediocre dancer for many years of my life and I came out and said it, no one would give a shit. Even if I was a fantastic dancer that would even make Tommy Lee Jones cry, no one would give a shit. Okay, maybe they would for that, but you get my point.

The Production

Of course, anything that is shot well, directed professionally and has a couple Englishmen as a judge on a show will be pure entertainment for America. But what about the stuff that's impossible to perform live? You might be scratching your head wondering, WTF? I'm talking of course about an episode I saw last Monday. Within each episode for DWS, they have a small segment for the show where they play music and have professional dancers perform, and these dancers are awesome. This, in my opinion, is the most entertaining part of the show. However, there's only one thing about it that ruins this entire block of the show, and it's the pre-recorded video they throw in. It's actually really cool video that they use, but why are we watching a show about live dancing if we're just going to watch pre-edited footage anyway? It seems like the audience at home is being jipped... they aren't watching a dance show, they're watching television. Eh, maybe I'm just old fashioned. Wait, no I'm not.

The Live Crowd

Quite possibly the worst aspect of the show is the audience that attends this atrocious weekly event. They pretty much say everything of the general public's reputation. They clap at anything that's organized and performed in front of them, even if it's utter crap. People just want something fed to them so they don't have to think, and I get that, but it's supposed to be something that brings their mind away from their daily lives. Even if it's for 10 minutes, It shouldn't be something that makes us dumber by the step. Why is Dane Cook is so famous? He comes up on stage and makes silly faces and crawls around the stage yelling obscenities. No, we don't have to think why his jokes are funny. His jokes are funny because he acts so "zany!!". On DWS, every time a judge gives a dancer some type of criticism, even the slightest bit, the crowd gets uptight and the judge gets lit up for it. As annoyed and irritated I am by these judges, they know what they're talking about. And the dancers, as bad as the judges may or may not be saying how good or bad they are, should be taking it all constructively. I'm just saying they don't need the crowd to stick up for them. There are some pretty good celebrity dancers, but they're few and far between. I could see how people could get into it, but I don't think that people should be giving credit to everything that happens right before their eyes. When it comes down to it, how the hell are we supposed to get anywhere without criticism?

Next Stop: Utopia

So, what would life be like without Dancing With the Stars? I lived a whole day in this world, and it might come off as strange or out of the ordinary. But of course it's out of the ordinary, this is a completely different world (ever heard of The Butterfly Effect?). I would assume that without this show, there would be no such thing as any type of reality television, or maybe no television at all. Obviously there's going to be a lot of things we're not used to. Some may call it culture shock. I call it Utopia.

I hear birds chirping. A devilish looking figure stands in the distance burning in neon colors, flashing consistently every half of a second. Though his eyes were no bigger than the size of 2 gnats at their distance, I could still see the glowing of vibrant neon red coming from them. The horns glow in neon gold with a black coagulated blood substance dripping thick and over-excessively. I was standing in the middle of two palm trees which separated the border between the jungle and the beach I was at. A man is running halfway between the creature and myself, away from the creature, towards me. I couldn't see what he looked like, I only knew he was there because of the high glow of the full moon silhouetting him. The moon also lit up the beach, it's reflection making the ocean shimmer and giving an outline of light to the mountains in the distant far left, and showing the fine texture of the rest of the mountain. It would've been a truly beautiful sight if it weren't for the horrific events that were happening before me. 

I was really hoping the man didn't see me, perhaps leading the creature to my death. The sound of a car whooshing and the sight of its headlights pass behind me. At least I know where to go if I need to escape. I heard the man screaming, "Help!". "Oh shit", I thought. He must have seen me. Though with this knowledge, I couldn't move. I was too shocked and captivated to even scratch the itch at the roof of my mouth. The creature is suddenly on the run. The man's head start was no match for the creature at his rate of speed. The man is getting closer to me no more than a football field away, the creature not a football field away from him. Another car goes by me, I could escape. I should escape. The man was getting much closer to me. He was a fast runner, he must have been a sportsman... either way, he was definitely running for his life. 20 Feet from me, the creature tackles the man, brings him down and is on top of him. The creature looks me directly in the eye, tongue hanging out, burning in opposite neon colors from himself, saliva dripping in other neon colors. His mouth widens as big as his jaw and his teeth show. His teeth reminded me of Baraka from Mortal Kombat. 

The teeth were the more unsettling part unfortunately.

The teeth surround half of the man's head and completely crushed it, probably the grossest thing I've ever seen. He takes a large piece of the bloodied skull in his mouth, lofts his head back to toss it in the air and catches it to get a better chew on it. A crunch I never wanted to hear echoes in the back of my head. I fall and vomit and look back at the creature as he's yelling out a blood curdling shriek. Then, the creature looks back at me, staring. "Feed," he says. A single tear of shear anger rolls down my face. "FEED," he says again. I look down at the vomit that just left my body. My tear falls and splashes on what looked like a tooth. "FEED". I feel my mouth and I realize it's missing multiple teeth, in fact, all of them. I look back at the creature, where he is just staring at me. I have no choice but to stare back. "What is he going to do?", I thought. "Why do I hear my alarm clock?". The creature pounces as I pull my knife out ready to counter attack. As he's on top of me, I jam my knife against his throat. He grabs my arm and let's his black coagulated blood drip into my eye. Immediately I close my eyes shut. "I know what you're hungry for, breakfast soon honey?", the creature says demonically. That alarm is driving me nuts. "Honey... honey?" I open my eyes."Charlie?". 

I see a beautiful woman, in her pajamas pulling my hand away from her throat. I stop immediately. I'm in a cold sweat, heart beating restless. "She's my wife", I thought. 

"It's okay, they're gone. They aren't here anymore", she said.

It's daylight, just the perfect day to fish, swim, and climb ten mountains. My usual regimen on such a fine day as this... well, every day is like this.

Photo courtesy of apadle1.wordpress.com

I soon get out of bed and look outside my window. The sky is vibrant, the grass is one perfect shade of green (green), and the sun is a perfect temperature, everywhere, all the time. In this world, scientists have studied that 103% of the human population only see night when they're ready to go to sleep and recharge for their next day. Other studies have shown they go to work when they're ready, and they leave when they have had enough. In every human's day, they could stay awake for 10 years. But really, they could stay awake or sleep for the rest of their lives if they really wanted to. Oddly enough, in these studies, every person that makes their choices are very well accepted by all, regardless of how unorthodox it may have seemed back where I used to live. If the television is on, it's whatever you want to see on television, and when there are people around you, they are doing exactly what you would want them to and vice versa. Have a conversation or not. Have sex or just enjoy an evening beer (don't ask me, I'm not the scientist in this world). I look back at my wife and I remember the breakfast she asked me for.

"Let's make breakfast", I said happily.

So we made our way down our spiral staircase, perfect in architecture with silk steps and a robot wiping clear any prior residue in my path, even though there wasn't any. The kitchen opened every cupboard, closet, refrigerator, stove on, oven, place mats on table, skillet ready, eggs on skillet, bacon on another skillet, sausage and hot cherry peppers on another, bagel in the toaster, butter ready, grits in another skillet (f%$# grits), grits stops cooking saved in a vacuum pack for someone else who wants it and put into the freezer so small but has at least 1000 items in it somehow, newspaper cut up in all articles I'm interested in, and my favorite comedy show Nathan for You is playing over and over in episodes that haven't even been invented until 5 years from now (even though it was cancelled after its first season (f%$#ing Comedy Central)) on an HD Television bigger than an IMAX Theatre. Anyway, I wasn't hungry, or in the mood for TV. Suddenly everything shuts down and everything that was cooking combines together to make a perfect breakfast sandwich to go and a coffee.

My wife was there, her smile as much as I would ever want. Full, happy, no problems, nothing to deal with. I wonder what she was thinking at this time. I feel a little unsettled. How does she see this situation? I saw her smile again. Bah, this is the life, she's engulfed with me, as I am with her. Okay, I'm going to set my ways apart from her and go to work. Big goodbye sex as per usual and away, I go to work.

I work at a local news station and work can't be better here. I come into my job, and there's always something new for me to do. When I come in, I'm setting up cameras, getting ready to direct, produce the show I'm about to direct and engineering to make sure this broadcasts okay. In a perfect world, I can direct and engineer live. So here it goes.

(3 minutes later)

Okay, so I'm done with doing everything that I wanted to do at one time, I'll end my day (since I can). The broadcast is perfect, 10 elephants off some of my shoulders (why do I have more than one pair of shoulders?). I need to blow off some steam.

I'm going to go with my everyday hobby of studying music and making tracks. I log on to my computer and somehow, everything is already done. How did this happen? I've had dreams, hearing this and I couldn't even fathom how I could re-create it. This sound is unbelievable! The sounds and music in front of me are everything I ever wanted in a musical movement, and nothing anyone could touch, because it's me? Even now I have no idea how this was made. I feel sick and only see green distorted glitches in my eyes that I can't control.. I need to see my wife. Just glitched. Glitches. Glitcheddd Glitcthes glthedchtchedsss. SSEo iyup 11004 sjthy osyp 1001011110100001105u os utsto? syou 11  it5   06 q  q   0 w  0r0r     0e     00jhudf     4j4 46 3  p3 65 

Jeez not even the binary is right in this world when shit goes dooooooooo00ooow00wwwwwwwwww00wwwww---------

Wha Wha? Whae   eo  opt ppy dis Whaty? 1 1 1  ( I 99 !1 I I I I IIIII I go back to my wife. She welcomes me as well as she ever would. I break down finally, "what's happening?", I said.

She responds, "It's only the Utopia honey y  y y y   3  04  g kjr04 aa0 y00 eiekjjjeoe000 Utopia 0404 8ys08s0  1000100111111000110010110010001101101110001101101001".

Pissed, crying I say, "No, it's not1111"

"Come, let's have breakfast t t t    t t t tttttt0w0 0w0w0w00   0t0     0ih9e0o3ihj5i3ohhhhikteossoeitieow      eggs and sausage otpwuy wp94 9    appa09ti8te09 -w pigs and a blanket  8 8sg hh8h jj8 d8dj riedf 8f e9e9 with hash browns I love you all the time lets make digital babies", she says.

Terrified, not not knowing what to do, just as scared as I would have ever been, bring my composure. "Okay", I said.

I guess a world with Dancing With the Stars isn't so bad.

Written by: Charles McHale