Jelly You Kidding Me?
Written by: Charles McHalePhoto courtesy www.restaurantwindow.com
Jam, jelly, gelatin, jousteling. Who can keep track of all these different variations of jelly? Look, I may be a jelly connoisseur, but I may really be a jelly connoisseur. Sure we have our traditional Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich at our disposal. But how can we really spread the word about all the underground recipes nobody knows about and still impress while presenting them!? Just make these super recipes and you'll be sure to get berry good reactions from people.
I don't know what the hell that picture above is. Pork Jelly (Jelly Pork) was founded years ago in the Civil War era when Nevada conquered Washington. Abraham Lincoln at the time was an avid follower of the recipe, but then he suddenly wasn't a follower anymore. In quote he said, "let there be Jelly and Pork (Pork and Jelly)!". From then on out, it was just as he said. Pork and Jelly (Jelly and Pork) was a known love to everyone for generations leading up to today. I remember my first taste (no I don't). It's a simple recipe really. First, take your favorite kind of pork (pork, ham, bacon, pulled pork etc.) and grind it in your at home industrial grinder. Personally, I like to grind all million types of pork lol. After that, place the ground pork on a plate and empty a jar of jelly on it. I usually use the biggest jar of Smuckers I can find. Next step, enjoy!
Who says Jellyfish isn't good to eat raw? You're right, I've never heard that from anyone in my entire life! So how is Jellyfish Salad made? Well it's not too much different from our traditional Tuna Salad. First we need the Jellyfish, and for some reason stores don't usually sell it. Not to worry though, there are plenty of oceans that have a plethora of Jellyfish at our disposal. Closest to myself is Ocean City, NJ so that's where I usually get my Jellyfish needs. Find the nearest beach to yourself, venture out into the water and hunt for the closest Jellyfish to your vicinity. I usually use my bare hands to hunt but other people use a pistol or even a toothbrush (whatever you're comfortable with). After you have at least 4 specimens, take them on home. We'll then take the Jellyfish and grind it in our at home industrial grinder. After 2 hours it should be well ground and ready to eat. Wait don't eat it yet! I guess there's no harm in a taste or two, I'm bad lol. Take your grounds and put it in a non-conventional bowl and add your whatnots. I usually use mayo, but if you're watching your figure mustard is a help. Then add a whole jar of Smuckers Jelly. As the Russians say, "Bon ape-tit!"
"Jelly Bean Casserole? I've never heard of Jelly Bean Casserole," which is what 90% of you are thinking now. As for the 10%? You know who you are, holla!! What is Jelly Bean Casserole anyway? Well many scientists have developed evidence that it just might be a myth coming all the way back from Ancient Egyptian times. I'm here to prove that this recipe is not a myth, but a real deal you might say. This actually has to be one of my favorite recipes, and it's easy to make. The only hard part is that there are two different types of jelly beans that we use. Obviously we're going to use the number one brand name jelly beans, Jelly Belly. Make sure to buy a few large packages of them though, because we're going to use all of the popcorn flavored jelly beans and we need as many as we can get. The rest of the jelly beans from those packages are garbage, and if you're trying to save use your garbage disposal. Then, find a generic package of Black Licorice jelly beans. Add water to your at home industrial grinder before you add your combination of the popcorn and licorice jelly beans, this way the beans won't get stuck to the sides of the bullet-proof glass. Give the full grind about 38 seconds and stop immediately (this is the perfect amount of time to have a pristine "jelly" consistency). Next we'll pour it into a mixture of canned tuna and turkey bones. Starkist tuna is usually my first choice, dry package is much easier and convenient. After everything is carefully mixed, add a jar of Smuckers jelly on top and have the dinner only Ancient Egypt was able to say, "can I have another?"
It's literally what it sounds like. No, not sushi! Back in my days of High School, there was this trend of Jelly and Mayo sandwiches that I was never able to be a part of. Maybe I was afraid to try it at the time, combined with my palate not being as sensitive as it may be today. This could also be why I was not popular in High School, but as I always say, it's never too late to be popular in high school. I did an exclusive video of my first try of The Jelly and Mayo Sandwich. Take a look:
So, in conclusion, add some jelly to your life! There's no hurt in adding some jelly to your life. Just add some jelly to your life and you'll be eating jelly time all the time! And let's not forget all the jelly good time we would have in these moments with our family and friends. Hell, I'm trying to call Heather Graham even more now! Jam and Graham.
Written by: Charles McHale
Warning: don't make any of these recipes, ever.
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