Does this not say it all?
Ahh yes, the Philadelphia Wing Bowl. How can we find a way to pack as many of the 7 Deadly Sins into one giant building? Well, maybe not all of them, but I think 6 of them definitely make it, and 6 is more than enough to describe a seriously sinful celebration of Gluttony. I've only known of the PWB for a few years and only been to one of these events. But really, only one time taught me everything I need to know about this over-sized human waste infested cesspool. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Pride and Wrath are 6 of the 7 Deadly Sins we witness at this astonishing event of heaving heffers. And who knows? Maybe by the time I get to the end of this article, I'll find a way to squeeze Envy in here as well.
Pride
Yes I'm going to start with Pride. Being an article based on a food event you would probably think I start with Gluttony, but I'm going to save that for a little later. So, how much Pride can a man who is notorious for eating wings have? You might... wait... you will be surprised. Each one of the contestants has their own 'big' entrance on a float of some sort designed specifically to their tastes surrounded by gorgeous skanks. As if that's not enough, they are cheered on by approx. 20,000 people. Yes, they are the gladiators of wing eating and the Michael Phelps of holding in their vomit from excessive consumption. And for those who are not familiar with this event, this really does happen once a year... every year.
Lust
Lust... Really?? There's no way there could be any Lust at a food eating competition. Oh, but there is, and lots of it. The girls that flock around their 350 pound heroes are dressed close to nothing and exploiting those lovely lady lumps as much as they can. Nonetheless, these women are called the Wingettes (talk about being treated like a piece of meat). Also, the cameras are capturing females in the crowd that are flashing their naughty bits the entire time, projected on a huge monitor for everyone's eyes to see, so make sure to bring the kids (No. Kids aren't allowed). It's like Mardi Gras with constant puking. Wait, let me rephrase that. It's like Mardi Gras. And we know for sure that the winner is getting laid from all of their girls. So what does a guy have to do to get laid in this country? Eat a lot of wings and not throw them up? Hell, just being a contestant for this is probably enough. I was just about ready to change my diet, but instead, I ordered 200 wings and called 5 girls to come over to watch me eat them, fingers crossed.
"My hero" *spit*
Wrath
Feel the Wrath of 1000s of drunken fools see you fall asleep. The PWB's tradition is to stay up all night and literally drink your face off. The event starts at 6:15-6:30 AM, so we know everyone by this time is either totally hammered beyond comprehension, or exhausted as hell. Let's hope you're awake and drunk, because if you're sleeping, you're getting garbage wrappers and half eaten food thrown at you from no more than citizens of the city of brotherly love. Ahh, the city of brotherly love. It is said that people in the front row wear ponchos, for fear of being hit by beer or other items at the concession stand. If you want these seats, you might want to order in advance. Ponchos don't come with the tickets.
Greed
Nothing says Greed like 20 people risking humiliation of vomiting in front of over 20,000 people for 20 grand and a car. Not knowing this going into it, I still sensed the presence of greed surrounding me the entire time, it was almost palpable. Anyway, not only are the wing eating contestants competing, but so are our Wingettes. All of the girls that surround their heavy weight wing eaters compete for being the hottest slut, and being the hottest slut means winning a brand new car/vehicle. So now it feels like we're watching Jersey Shore, except the girls are competing for something useful. Maybe that's why Snooki got booed off the stage when she showed. But really, she's not that much worse. And now that I think of it, Philly and Jersey just never got along. I digress. At this moment, I feel like I should've combined paragraphs, covering Greed, Lust and Gluttony altogether in this section... speaking of Gluttony.
Gluttony and Sloth
No, I don't need to explain, but really, I do. First, I would just like to mention that Gluttony and Sloth go very much hand in hand here considering these guys are stuffing their faces and sitting 90 percent of the time. The rest of the 10 percent is of course, the vomit. So with that being said, the act of this sport is a perfect combination of the 2 sins. Oh, did I not mention it's considered a sport? Yes, ESPN shows up for this as well.
"I've been waiting my whole life for this moment."
Well, yes, this is self-explanatory due to the fact that this all started as the celebration of Gluttony. But the PWB beat some really big Gluttony records in the years that it's been around. In 2011, the first person for being disqualified for vomiting happened, being named Donovan McPuke, named after Donovan McNabb of the Eagles who also has been known to throw-up during his unique sport that he plays. In 2012, Takeru Kobayashi won this competition by eating an awe-inspiring 337 wings. In the wing bowl I witnessed, the man only ate 203... weak. Even more recent, just last week, a man was inducted into the wing bowl hall of fame for having the world's largest projectile vomit during a past Wing Bowl. Now that's impressive.. Who could take on such a feat? None other by a man at the moniker of Sloth. Hey, we were just talking about Sloth things. And yes, just last week was the most recent of the PWB, so we're just going to have to wait another full year to witness this again.
Let's Wing it Together Now
I was going to try to push Envy into this mix, but it seems that I could only talk about it if I saw physical evidence of someone losing and showing jealousy towards the winner, though it may have been a decent assumption. With that being said, I could clear some of the muck from the lake we dipped in today. Despite all the hatred it may seem I have, I actually had a pretty good time when I went. I got some free tobacco products (which I cherished at the time), I saw lots of girls flash their chest (which I still cherish today), and I got to hang out with some really good friends that I have in Philly at a really rough time in my life. Plus, profits go towards charity so that's pretty damn cool. I guess my point to the RANT is, really America? And really, who am I to judge? I love wings, I love women, and I love to have a good story. But come on! Throwing food from a concession stand that you paid no less than 30 dollars (exaggerated), just for the thrill of humility to another person that can't stay awake at an event that takes place at 6:30 in the morning? I don't think I know anyone that's well awake at that time no matter how use to that shift they may be, even for work! How about throwing a full can of beer for 14 dollars (not exaggerated) at someone that couldn't eat the amount of wings to your approval? There is literally nothing to be said about that, especially since "The Fate of Humanity" is such a large and growing subject in social network culture these days. I guess I'm just rambling now. I guess I'm just going to go back to ordering a Stromboli for myself so I could watch my porn that I project on my 60 inch TV with Dolby Digital Surround Sound on my La-Z-Boy while getting jealous of a man's endowment and breaking my television out of anger but yet feeling a sense of accomplishment from destroying such a big television with my bare hands.
Written by: Charles McHale
Photo courtesy: The700Level and Philly.com
Written by: Charles McHale
Photo courtesy: The700Level and Philly.com
