Written by: Charles McHale
Photo Courtesy: www.energytin.com
For years, we've had a plethora of energy drinks on the market, and as Americans, we are constantly in high demand for them. I think the first energy drink I ever heard of was Red Bull, which very well may be the first energy drink out there. Actually, I just did some research... it's not. But for years, it always seemed to be the most popular energy drink on the market, with a pretty decent campaign. "Red Bull, it gives you wings!". I think it's pretty catchy, and it works... It's just plain fun, what the energy supplement should be (in my humble opinion). But I'm not here to blabber on about Red Bull. I'm here to talk about 5-Hour Energy and the incredibly annoying commercials they use to captivate their consumers, not to mention medical reasons behind buying it.
This Commercial Feels 5 Hours Long
"Oh bollocks, another 5-Hour Energy commercial", says me every time I see one of these terrible advertisements hit my television screen. I generally channel out (pun intended) any type of break by playing Zynga Poker or writing a dumb article. But whenever 5-Hour Energy comes on the air, I can't help but watch. It's like a car crash (so bad but I have to watch)... I feel queezy. Awkward.. I almost can't be in the same room with someone when I see it. It's like those dreams when you're at work naked with only a t-shirt and knee high socks sporting a constant, raging boner... I suddenly feel sick to my stomach... Oh sorry, I took a break from my thought on the article because I saw 5-Hour Energy in a break from the fantastic, Who's the Boss?... Oh Danza, you're hilarious... Anyway, here's one of the earlier ads that I remember:
It's almost indescribable why I get this feeling while watching this commercial. It's short, sweet and to the point. It follows the exact formula to making a commercial work.
Now, laid out in a simple step by step formula, as such as this, it's a perfect advertisement. The execution? Awful. There's almost a sense of reality that just drifts away, especially when the man looks at the bottle of 5-Hour Energy in his hand. "Hello my friend," he says so calmly to himself... What the f$%*!? Was there a study that shows this is how people act when they see something they need to wake themselves up!? Is this generally how people go about their day!? Another awkward moment happens on the last step while going down the stairs. He says, "let's do this!". I feel like Larry David is in the room and had indirectly insulted someone's dead father. And to top it all off, the commercial opens with him complaining about getting up. White people problems... white people problems.. Ladies, Gentlemen, please... white people problems.
I don't know about you, and I'm no Doctor, but something seems odd about a 'shot' when just waking up is a good idea, especially because it never shows the guy with any type of breakfast. Put an apple in his hand, a granola bar or at least something nutritional for Christ's sake. This is the only thing I could see this promoting, "it's okay, sleep in a bit, don't worry about real energy from a bagel, toast or orange juice. Drink a 'shot' of this when you wake up and you'll be right as rain!". And again I'm not really the healthiest person you'll ever meet, but is this the type of message you would want your kids, or future kids to grow up with? But hey, as long it's making money, and lots of it. It's great!
- State the problem: Man doesn't want to wake up
- State the solution: 5-Hour Energy
- State the result: Man is ready to take on the day
Now, laid out in a simple step by step formula, as such as this, it's a perfect advertisement. The execution? Awful. There's almost a sense of reality that just drifts away, especially when the man looks at the bottle of 5-Hour Energy in his hand. "Hello my friend," he says so calmly to himself... What the f$%*!? Was there a study that shows this is how people act when they see something they need to wake themselves up!? Is this generally how people go about their day!? Another awkward moment happens on the last step while going down the stairs. He says, "let's do this!". I feel like Larry David is in the room and had indirectly insulted someone's dead father. And to top it all off, the commercial opens with him complaining about getting up. White people problems... white people problems.. Ladies, Gentlemen, please... white people problems.
I don't know about you, and I'm no Doctor, but something seems odd about a 'shot' when just waking up is a good idea, especially because it never shows the guy with any type of breakfast. Put an apple in his hand, a granola bar or at least something nutritional for Christ's sake. This is the only thing I could see this promoting, "it's okay, sleep in a bit, don't worry about real energy from a bagel, toast or orange juice. Drink a 'shot' of this when you wake up and you'll be right as rain!". And again I'm not really the healthiest person you'll ever meet, but is this the type of message you would want your kids, or future kids to grow up with? But hey, as long it's making money, and lots of it. It's great!
How to make This drink Part of our Entire Day
This next commercial doesn't even scratch the surface of what I'm about to explain. It seems that ever since these catastrophic ads have started, they have evolved into something more sick than really what it's intended for. And don't get me wrong, I've used this product times before. But this was a time that I was hungover with two hours of sleep on my 9th day in a row of working and it was a Saturday (full day and full night close) at a high-end-big-bucks-jam-packed restaurant. Totally had to be on my toes. Not a healthy alternative to coffee, but a good help in moderation. This commercial is not what the product should be used for:
And here comes the Mommy hate mail... I'm not a dad yet, and I don't plan to be any time soon. But I have a sister who works a job, has two dogs and has a beautiful baby boy (and she plans to have two more). If she spends a whole day with her son maybe a cup of coffee will be her morning boost, maybe a second later on (if she feels so inclined). But it seems that this is insinuating that you need a super high energetic boost to be there for your kid. I can't imagine a time that a mother wouldn't have this product and say, "Oh, I wish I had a 5-Hour Energy right now to look out for my baby". That's like saying, "Oh, I wish I had a 5-Hour Energy right now to look out for my baby". Maybe some people do need this because of how their mind works. I respect that but that's what prescriptions are for. Instead, it's the general public that these ads are making us feel we need such a high rush of whatever chemicals 5-Hour Energy is pushing into our bodies. And yes, 100% of the population is indeed targeted with in these advertisements. *clears throat* Hell yeah, this brings me to the next commercial.
Man this guy is such a douche. This is the epitome of why these commercials are so detrimental to the human race. So let me get this straight. I need a boost to make myself run, for myself. 5-Hour Energy. I need a fire lit under my ass to learn to play guitar, for me. 5-Hour Energy. I need to learn how to play golf to impress my boss who probably hates me anyway but I want to get brownie points so that he will be upset that I beat him in golf and fire me in a subliminal way out of being pissed off about the game or possibly gain a ton of respect because of a great game of golf but it's totally fake because I really didn't care about golf until I was asked to play a round with him maybe even possibly having the chance of asking for a raise which would probably not happen, for me. 5-Hour Energy. (for the record, I love my boss). Yes, 5-Hour Energy is our solution to everything. So what happens if we find out that this product really isn't good for you? Or that it could possibly kill if consumed too much? In recent news, someone has actually died from it. But of course, like anything, it was consumed at a very high rate. But if it was just as healthy as anything else, why are we being pushed so hard to use it all the time? What would we do without it afterwards? We may become zombies even more than we already are now. I guess most people don't use this product today, that's a good thing. But I'll leave it to you to decide what's really going on in these advertisements, ladies and gentlemen, with one more YouTube clip. Although this person may be a bit crass (and a terrible sexist I might add), he makes a decent point:
Written by: Charles McHale
