What If the Oscars Never Existed

By: Charles McHale | @NessKids

So there are only two more days to the big event. The Oscars. Yes, it's obvious that I have to make The Oscars one sentence considering the momentum behind all the years that lead up to this moment. So, what if there was never such a thing as The Oscars? Here's a day on Oscar Sunday as if The Oscars were to never have happened.

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3/2/2014 2:45 AM *ALARM*

I wake up looking at my phone alarm realizing that I have to be ready for work soon. I hit the snooze button and pass out again. *Snooze*

That mysterious girl I'm with seemed to be the girl of my dreams. She was the girl of my dreams. I longed for this feeling for so long and every moment is perfect. I moved to kiss her and she delicately moved away, just to show that she wanted it as much as I did, but just teasing. I teased back, asking back for more. We kiss so sensual. She pulled back and moved her head down my bod-

3/2/2014 2:54 AM *ALARM*

I wake up again knowing that I have a couple more snooze naps before I really need to get up. *Snooze*

So that dream girl and I are back on that dinner date again. Why the f$ck are we suddenly back here? Whatever, I know she accepts me for me, even though I break up with those girls for some reason sometimes but not like my last girlfriend who was great but the relationship was too long distan-

3/2/2014 3:03 AM *ALARM*

My third wake up. I can muscle out two more snoozes and rush my ass to work. *Snooze*

Oh, my f%cking ex-ex-girlfriend! Pain in the ass. Crazy bitch. Okay I'll reason with her. "I wasn't looking at your phone!!!", she said. I told her, "it's okay baby, you could look at my phone all you want. I don't mind because you know I love you." She immediately replied with, "Oh, Charlie. I knew I could trust you. Let's go back ho-

3/2/2014 3:12 AM *ALARM*

I wake up again. *Snooze*

Back to sleep. What did she want to say? I look up and down the ceilings and I found find her in the middle. "Let me introduce you to my mother again Charlie. She's all ready to join me and you to fu-

3/2/2014 3:18 AM

I woke up again. It seems that I woke up before the snooze alarm rang. I turned off the alarm. Time for a shower, shave and all that shit. I'll put on an episode of American Dad to time myself so I know I'm ready to go in less than 20 minutes. What do I care? I've watched that show a million times, if I miss an episo-

3/2/2014 3:28 AM

In the car, making my way to work. I dodge a couple potholes and drive just 4 MPH over the speed limit. Why do I follow such strict rules to the speed? Because that's what awesome people should do. Stay in school. (I actually drive at least 15 MP-

3/2/2014 3:40 AM

I arrive at work, I do my dailies. I'll bullshit with the co-workers, bullshit some more. Maybe I'll have a bag of chips, do my dailies again, bullshit a little more. Depending on what I ate the night before, I'll take a shit if need be. A couple more dailies and then my official work day star-

3/2/2014 5:00 AM

Work day begins.

Here are some cliche pictures of cats that everyone loves to let the time pass.

Two really happy cats.

cats-musical.deviantart.com

Another priceless picture of happy cats on stage gettin' their cat on.

blog.al.com

Uh oh. The sad cat is here again. Wish we had a meme for it.

broadway.com

Oh wait, here's the sad cat meme.

Here are a bunch of cats again. These are the most cats we've seen in one picture so far.

stagestruckreview.com

3/2/2014 9:15 AM

The day is at a break. I finally have some time to myself for a bite to eat and maybe even a segment or two of something on TV. Fingers crossed for Beverly Hills Cop on Comedy Central again. Just so that no one is bored during my next three hours of work, some more pictures of adorable cats.

mybigfattheatrereviews.com

nola.com

vtwc.deviantart.com

broadwayrose.org

santabanta.com

mamarazziknowbest.com

litbites.blogspot.com

3/2/2014 12:15 PM

I'm leaving work and ready to run my errands.

3/2/2014 12:30 PM

Lunch time at home. Turkey, ham? I don't really care what I eat. Something to eat at home.

3/2/2014 12:45 PM

Orange Juice. Family Feud.

3/2/2014 1:00 PM

Family Feud. Tired. Nap, set alarm for 4:00PM.

When I first saw the Utopia, clean cut, they tried to make it so I wasn't thrown off. Black girl has no element to her background. End scene of the governor taking out the military? Okay so humans destroyed Dinosaurs for a good reason, considering we will get eaten to death by them. But why do we still have chick-

3/2/2014 1:46 PM

Wake. Back to sleep.

But Why do we still have chickens? I had a burger at dinosaurs and buttons and that shit was delicious! If you haven't heard of Dinosaurs and Buttons, it's a place where they replicate the taste of Dinosaur meat with regular meat. There's a couple around here somewhere. Anyway, why do we still have chickens if us humans extinct dinosaurs? That shit is deliciou-

3/2/2014 4:00 PM *ALARM*

Wake and bake. Wake and bake. Wake and bake. Oh alarm off *swipe phone alarm*. Wake and bake? Not my thing anymore. I don't have to wake up anytime soon so I'm just going to fall back to sleep. A couple more pictures of cats for the viewers, since the viewers love them.

catanna.com

redteatral.net

3/2/2014 8:00 PM

Well I woke up and did nothing with my day. I guess I should start watching Sherlock from BBC.

3/2/2014 9:30 PM

Next episode of Sherlock.

11:00 PM

Damn, I missed that last hour of Sherlock. I'll just catch it tomorrow. Maybe I'll go see a movie soon. I've been itching to see another good movie since I've seen Her.

11:23 PM

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

By: Charles McHale