By: Chase McDougalberg | @NessKids

21-year old Jasmine Tridevil has been the highlight of the news and tabloids today. The three breasted massage therapist states that she got her third breast for a reality television stunt for which we will probably see within the next year or so.

By: Chase McDougalberg | @NessKids

Today is the big day for the big release of Apple's new product iPhone 6. For those of you who may not know what an iPhone is, it's the obvious number one mobile device in the market. Any other cell phone is just complete total absolute garbage.

By: Chase McDougalburg | @NessKids

Yesterday marks the date for the debut of Katie Couric's clone human no. MV3970332 (aka Meredith Vieira) to start her brand new show. Katie Couric was the once holder of the daily spot on network television for her show called "Katie". The show was described as lighthearted, funny and even emotional at times. Though the show was well produced and had decent ratings, Katie and her producers had some different views of how the show should have been ran, ultimately causing too much conflict for it to go on.

After television producers knew "Katie" wouldn't go on for a 3rd season, they decided to bring in the big guns and hired a team of scientists to make an exact clone of our beloved Katie to host a show just like the last. "Her code name is Meredith", one of the scientists said. "She is the exact same as Katie in every way, but more powerful and unargumentative. She's funnier, more heartfelt and she can even do comedy sketches. Adding the family to her life and brainwashing people into thinking they already know her is the icing on the cake."

To watch "Meredith", check your local listings.

By: Chase McDougalberg

By: Chase McDougalberg | @NessKids

In breaking celebrity news, our beloved Joan Rivers has passed away at the inevident age of 81. Joan Rivers was known to be a funny woman who got plastic surgery to look younger who got plastic surgery. Though she has lived such a long life, no one has any idea that she has lived anywhere past 43. 

Doctors say that her last facial expression was a smile because it was their intention before her death. Dr. Benson says, "We were trying to give her the best way to say goodbye to the world."

Viewing services will happen at some point as well as funeral services. Search Google for more details.

By: Chase McDougalburg

By: Chase McDougalberg | @NessKids

In a recent events of social media, I still fucking have Flappy Bird on my phone and you still fucking don't.

By: Chase McDoudalburg | @NessKids

The beautiful, dashing Katie Holmes is out on the scene again and she's got a new trick up her sleeve... no sleeves at all. Katie Holmes showed up at this years Met Gala as America's favorite phone book, The Yellow Pages. Most of the other times that she arrived at the fundraising for the Metropolitan Museum of Art's Costume Institute, she was the low key girl and just kind of fit in with the crowd. This year she turned all of that around.

Fashion experts say the idea was "too daring" or had "bad taste", but while all the fashion snobs and critics were bashing Holmes for her fearless and her nonconformist ways, the general population was raving about The Yellow Pages Dress style saying, "Good stuff Katie!", and, "Hell yeah!". Some even commented that they "always wanted to try to pull off The Yellow Pages fashion idea before" but said they "didn't have the money", or, "the balls" to risk wearing such a dress in public. "In the end, it was a very powerful statement not only for Katie, but for everyone in the entire world, and maybe everyone in the entire universe and multiverse that ever dreamt of dressing as something so mundane", another man said so boldly.

Other dress ensembles included Jay-Z and Beyonce dressed up in black and white even though they're still clearly both black. Emma Stone dressed up as the female reproductive system where her top was the clitoris and her bottom piece represented the vaginal opening. As of Kirsten Dunst, well, nobody really has any clue what she arrived as. And last, but not least, Kim Kardashian showed up as Nintendo's Mega Man.

By: Chase McDougalberg

By: Chase McDougalberg | @NessKids

God puts his faithful people back on earth. The moon changes from jet black to white, and the sky renders back to it's fresh water blue from red. The ground, covered in bowels, retch and viscera, finally vanishes and sinks into the depths of Sheol and the hell that can subsist underneath. The hell and anguish everyone was feeling finally came to one conclusion at this point... It's spring everyone!! Let's dance!!!!!

By: Chase McDougalberg | @NessKids

Glendive, MT's Lana Salvo has been known to post exponentially, longer Facebook posts day by day which are give or take Facebook-blockish or "unfriendingly" annoying.

Salvo's posts usually start by saying things like, "I'm going to try to make this short", or, "I'm not the type to make a long post but". The most common intro, though, has to be, "Let me be frank". In the end (if you decide to read the entirety of any of her posts) you'll find that you read a plethora of bullshit and hate it so much that you'd rather hear Paul Shaffer talk about his favorite bands of the past 30 years.

Though uninterested about the garbage making your IQ constantly lower into sunken oblivion, you might find a solemnly engaging moment of humility. Some sentences after the paragraph opening, "I am the cheese again", the sentence right before "Kill me please xoxo," states:

"I finally was able to figure out how to make a tripod for my iPhone, check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QuSLM92Wh24"

She then ends the Facebook post with at least 30 more uninteresting paragraphs of how men are addicted to hating women, and how her Mother was right the whole time but still won't admit it even though her Mother is probably reading the post on her own Facebook page. Reporting for Beautiful Topics, I'm Chase McDougalburg

By: Chase McDougalberg

By: Chase McDougalberg | @NessKids

Studies have recently proven that Hockey is the only sport that is not played by a juvenile herd of whiny, bitchy, moody, drama queen tissue-carrying bridezilla fucking pussies. The sport is described by skating in an ice rink where large sticks are carried by the skaters and used to constantly hit each other and sometimes a "hockey puck" to hit into a goal on each opposing side of the rink. Considering there is an average of only 2 to 3 goals scored by each side, it's a wonder that the rink isn't completely covered in blood and human remains at the end of the game with the added occasional fist fights that happen within the match.

Other sports such as Soccer, Basketball, and Baseball, however, are only played by pansy-picking coward-ass bitches. With NASCAR racers not able to finish they're laps because of a weak ass broken toe or a Basketball player sitting out because of a broken nose only a little pussy bitch would sit out for, Hockey is hands-down a far tougher sport when a player gets his throat slit by an ice skate and wants to finish a game that he clearly isn't going to win with 3 goals behind and 30 seconds left on the clock.

In a similar study, Football is very neutral but still has some pussy-ass emotional bitches from time to time.

By: Chase McDougalburg

By: Chase McDougalberg

With all the snow we have seen this winter, it's hard to believe it will ever go away. The fact is that it's going to have to disappear at some point as it always does somehow. So where does the snow go when it goes rogue? Researchers and scientists have been asking and have been asked this question for more than two decades now and they still can't even guess what happens to it in the end. Since not a single person has any idea of what's going on, I figured I would do some investigating myself.